2404172233GMT8


Greetings!

Cepatnya masa berlalu! Genap setahun from my last post (I think?). Hahaha!

Sooooo how am I now? Am I better than last year? :)))


NOPE


NOPE


NOPE


Who am I kidding?

I apologize to the past-me. I haven't changed at all. I am still that miserable little piece of shit.

If not, worse. (I even had suicidal thoughts haha)

I'm sorry, me :')


The only thing that has changed since before is the fact that I am now a fourth year student! I don't know how to feel about this. I mean, yeah, I am happy that I passed my papers last year. I also finally managed to get A for the last semester.

But my life is not getting better at all. I know I keep whining but - well, I hate myself for that too. I find myself being less happy each day, losing interest in whatever I used to have fun doing. Hmm. Maybe I need help. No, I really need help. I want some help. Honestly.

I am extremely exhausted with my own thoughts. With myself. I wanna run away from who I am. I need a break from everything.


UGH.



2405160034GMT8


こんにちは。久しぶりだね!おげんきですか?


Memang mood menulis aku datang bila tengah emo.


I have a lot in my head but I don't know where to start. God...


You know, sometimes aku rasa aku ni lemah sangat. Cepat lemah semangat. Pernah lah kadang rasa aku ni someone yang kuat. Tapi salah. Aku lah paling lemah. To the point rasa macam ugh. Penat.


Tahun ni sangat lah stress. Aku pun tak tau apa sebenarnya yang buat aku rasa camni. Ada banyak possibilities. I'm afraid about a lot of stuff.


Aku nak balik rumah. Aku nak rehat dekat rumah.


Selagi tak balik selagi tu aku tak rehat. Tapi banyaaak sangat benda yang aku kena buat sebelum balik rumah. Ada benda kritikal yang aku kena lalui.


I read my old posts and it was just two posts away yang aku kata tahun ni aku nak kurang cakap, kurang kan everything. I just want to focus on my study.


Tapi lah....... Tahun ni la aku paling aktif. I'm not saying being active for school projects ambil masa aku study. But honestly, it bothers my mind. Aku penat fikir and being stressed. Don't ask me apa yang aku buat sampai stress sangat. I just feel them ok?


I suddenly lost motivation to study.


Aku sedih.


Something is making my heart feels heavy but I don't know what. I can only say I wanna go home.


Tahu tak, kadang-kadang aku balik kelas, and baring atas katil. I feel like,


"God.... I'm such a trash, aren't I?"


I need a pat in the back. I need a shoulder to lean on. I feel so weak.


Tapi aku nak cerita kat siapa?


And how do I even do that?


My head is a mess. My heart is a mess


I feel so useless.


I need my quiet peaceful life back.



I need help.




2710151650GMT+8



こんにちは!ひさしぶりだね~!


"Everybody's looking for that something,
One thing that makes it all complete,
You'll find it in the strangest places,
Places you never knew it could be...,"


Masa usrah minggu lepas, akak naqibah ada tanya,

"Apa benda yang awak nak sangat dalam hidup awak?"


Sorang jawab confidence,
Sorang jawab happiness,
Sorang jawab satisfaction.
Dan aku jawab, serenity.

Ketenangan jiwa.

Although sebenarnya what I really, really want is to be free from responsibilities. But I didn't dare to say that out loud sebab orang yang dah mati je takde tanggungjawab.

Tapi memang kan, bila tak tenang = stress. Siapa suka stress? Tak kisah la eustress ke distress ke, tapi kalau dah namanya stress, akan rasa tak tenang duduk jugak.

Dan stress tu mostly datang dari orang lain. People's expectation yang tak pasal-pasal buat kita rasa terbeban dengan tanggungjawab tu. Contohnya, harapan parents nak tengok anak berjaya, atau, cakap-cakap orang keliling bila kita tak live up to what they expect us to be. Tanggungjawab yang kita tak mintak langsung.


"Some find it in the face of their children,
Some find it in their lover's eyes,
Who can deny the joy it brings,
When you've found that special thing,
You're flying without wings...,"


That's why la aku selalu rasa, less people less responsibility. And that's why jugak la aku rasa macam nak lari ke satu tempat yang takde manusia2 yang tak perlu ada dalam hidup aku ni. Only certain people yang relevan je ada. Takde siapa akan bagi kau tekanan. You can live however the F you want to.


Then again, responsibilities are necessary.  Manusia kan suka buat ikut kepala dia. At least, bila ada tanggungjawab, ada lah guideline nak hidup. Tanggungjawab sebagai hamba kepada Tuhan. Tanggungjawab seorang anak kepada ibubapa. Tanggungjawab seorang kawan kepada kawannya.


Tapi, amanah. Beratnya amanah.....



I'm such a contradictory person lah.